Ugh.

I am swamped right now...at work, at home, with family...

And thusly I've been slacking on my JC. I ate OKAY over the weekend. I didn't go crazy but I also didn't do great either. I think I've been doing some stress eating too. I've been going a bit over my calorie count...which is not good. And now on top of everything, I have repairmen coming tomorrow to fix the cable, I have to bake for our office Christmas party...I don't have time to go to Jenny Craig. Which is fine, I have plenty of Jenny Craig food and healthy things I can cook.

I'm struggling with motivation right now. And maybe if my JCC was actually supportive...and didn't put me down. I might think about making time for it. But I feel like I get more support from my blogging buddies then I do from my consultant. I'm not complaining...I just feel overwhelmed. And driving 20 minutes to Jenny Craig then having a 5 minute consultation that really doesn't help and driving 20 minutes home is just a waste of my time. I have way too many other things to do.

So I'm going to try and eat well this week, track my calories, try and get through this slump. Any motivation would help right now. 

Sabotage.

Why am I doing this?

Is it because Aunt Flow is in town? Or what? I did a giant cleaning out of my closet this week and put all the old clothes that are way too big for me into a box to be cut up, thrown away and/or donated. But for some reason I am having trouble staying on plan these last few days. I feel like I'm purposely sabotaging myself! Yeah, I still track all my calories...except for yesterday which I don't even want to talk about. It was ridiculous. I'm embarassed with myself and with my choices...and there's no one here to blame by myself.

I love that I'm starting to look really good, I love my new sizes, I love that I'm recieving compliments too. But I also am afraid of what's going to come. WTF is wrong with me. That is SO stupid. I caught myself yesterday eating pizza, cookies I made with my mom, I came home and munched on junk... WHY!? Why would I do that? I wasn't even hungry!! What the hell. I'm pissed off at myself and I'm annoyed. I also have horrible cramps and feel like I might rip this uterus out at any second.

I need to stay on plan and track my calories. I need to make good choices even though it's the holidays. I have a lot of holiday parties comingup. My work party is on the 16th and there's going to be good food...but there will also be dancing. So maybe I can burn some calories off on the dance floor. Or maybe just do an exercise tape when I'm at home...I am still embarassed to go around showing off like that. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable enough in my own skin to cut loose like that.

I am telling you this because I need to be accountable for it. I need to stop sabotaging myself and stick to plan. My goal is to lose at least 1.5 pounds this week so I can get lower than my lowest recorded weigh in weight! AND  I need to say goodbye to the 270s. That means kicking my ass into gear and I know it. This is a very busy time at work, I have a lot of food temptations, and for some reason my morale is dipping. The rest of this week until weigh in on Wednesday I am sticking 100% to plan, I am drinking water, I am exercising...and I will pray before my weigh in this week!

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Weigh in Wednesday and Reaffirmation

My vacation is definitely over and I don't like where the scale is! I admit I haven't been eating that great lately because I've been away from home and away from my good habits. There's no excuse so I'm not going to make any! Starting weight today is 275.4, which is not good! I am doing this dance with the 270s and it's time to say GOODBYE! This week I have some goals that I need to accomplish in order to get myself ready. The holidays aren't going to sabotage my motivation!! I can do this!

Goals for the Week:
- Drink 10 glasses water per day
- Exercise at least 30minutes per day
- Stick within my goals EVERY DAY - Using my Jenny Craig meals and meals on my own, tracking on Sparkpeople
- Do not beat myself up for weight gain and just move forward (harder than it sounds for me!)
- No diet soda!! I got into the habit of drinking it on vacation and it needs to stop!
- Take 10 minutes daily for "me", to give thanks for everything I'm grateful for.

I hope that everyone is having a great day and I hope you can pop by and give me some words of motivation! I really could use it! I'm feeling down today, wondering if I should just give up because the scale is creeping back up...but I need to stop that!

In other news, I LOVE DASHING DISH!! Katie is like my freaking idol and all her food looks amazing. I have toyed with making a few of them myself and today I decided I would I am making her Easy Cheesy Broccoli Soup. I had the ingredients in the house except for the broccoli and cheese sauce which I picked up...only thing is I just got one small package, so my recipe is going to be a litttl different, oops! But it's cooking away in my crock pot and I'm making grilled cheese with fat free singles and light rye bread (80 cals for 2 slices!) tonight! What a way to kick off a healthy new weighing week! But seriously, if you don't know about Dashing Dish already...you're in for a BUNCH of treats!

Have a great day all!

Having a Tough Time

These last couple weeks, I feel really overwhelmed. Things at work are very stressful and I've had a couple of patients who are really making my life miserable. I go so far above and beyond for these people, I don't think they even understand how much time and effort goes into keep them safe, healthy and at home. And yet for some reason, they're pitching hissy fits and cancelling services, refusing to let me come out to discharge them. And to make it worse some of the other nurses I work with love to badmouth each other behind their backs...I had to go in to get a PPD today and I heard them gossiping about me and how I suck at my job. Great. Just what I wanted to hear.

Seriously? I am so done.

I ate like crap this week and I know it. I mean, I stuck to my Jenny Craig almost every day but on Wednesday I had chinese food. I allotted it into my calories and I just ate a little bit of the rice and chicken, then THREW IT AWAY! But I finished my wonton soup, which was what I really wanted. Then the next day I went out to dinner with my mom after a horrible day. I caught myself stress eating Sunday night for no reason. I swear the last couple days I've just been so depressed. I've been crying and I feel overwhelmed. I feel like no one values what I do and that no one appreciates me. Then I feel bad because I feel like I'm being selfish. It's not all about me...

In short, I just have had a rotten couple weeks. I can't wait for my Ireland trip. I had a meeting on Saturday with the people who are going. I'm the only person under 65 going on this trip. Oh well. I'll meet some hot Irishmen and dance some calories away? A girl can dream! I just need a break. I'm off tomorrow and I'm planning on destressing, getting things ready for Ireland, and not thinking about work. At all. It's a hard thing to do for me but I'm seriously losing my sanity. And to top it off I'm on this weekend. UGH.

Okay this pity party is over. I'm moving on, hoping to just maintain this week before I kick my butt into gear for next week. I'm so close to making my 40lb goal that I can taste it!! I need to stop tasting junk and focus on moving my hiney!

Have a good day everyone <3 Skinny vibes to my Wednesday Weighers!

Sad Sunday

Well my sister is off on her way to Italy!

We spent the weekend together hanging out and having fun. I splurged a little yesterday, I'll admit. I ate out for lunch AND dinner but I made excellent choices. And we had some frozen yogurt at TCBY which I just had a little bit and enjoyed it! I am back on plan today and eating well. I also cleaned up in the house and got some exercise.

Not really looking forward to work this week. Already I know I'm going to be annoyed. I just have to focus on the positive. I feel a little depressed and very annoyed...but it's going to be fine! Enough bitching and more moving my buns!

I made this recipe for my family this weekend...these cookies are AMAZING. They are gluten free, low calorie, and aboslutely AMAZING. Seriously, they have almost NO ingredients and they turn out amazing. And they are INCREDIBLY quick to make. Make these. Now.


Gluten Free Peanut Butter Cookies
Makes: 20 cookies

Ingredients

1/2 cup splenda for baking
1 Large egg white (1/4 cup of egg whites from a carton)
1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1 Cup Peanut Butter (Smooth)
1/2 cup Chopped walnuts

Directions

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2) Combine all ingredients until smooth
3) Use medium cookie scoop and drop onto an ungreased cookie sheet
4) Bake 10-15 minutes
 

Nutritional Breakdown

 

Weigh In Wednesday

Well...

I knew it was going to happen. :( I had a gain of 2.6 pounds which is awful and I'm not very happy with everything right now. But what I'm going to do is focus on the positive. I've already lost over 22 pounds and this is just a temporary setback. Honestly, I think a lot of it is the high amounts of salt I've consumed. My grandmother butters and salts everything to death...so I'm back to eating normally now. No excuses!

I am going out to breakfast this morning with a lovely friend. We're going to IHop and they have a new simple and fit menu that looks great! I put it onto my calorie counter at Sparkpeople and I'm building my day around it, but it shouldn't be too much of a problem! I can go out and make good choices!

And I can also cook at home too! Today's recipe is for those who are sick of the same storebought dressings that you've had in the fridge forever!!

Homemade Buttermilk Ranch Dressing
Makes: 1 cup dressing (Serving Size: 2 tablespoons)

Ingredients

3/4 cup lowfat buttermilk
1/4 cup fat free sour cream (Breakstones)
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon dried basil
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon dried dill
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 galic clove, minced

Directions

1. Combine all the ingredients in a bowl. Whisp until well combined.

2. Cover and chill at least two hours, overnight for best results!

Nutritional Breakdown

Seventeen calories for 2 tablespoons of delicious dressing? AND it's delicious! Eat with No Thanks to Cake's Buffalo Chicken Salad or on your side salad with lunch! Enjoy!

Have a great on plan day and good luck Wednesday Weighers. Today will not get me down...I will succeed! I leave you with some motivational music today!

One of Those Days...

Today was a long one at work, I have to say. I am really looking forward to the weekend...but praying for quiet. I'm on call, bleh. I woke up feeling very tired today, like I couldn't get myself moving. Which is funny because today was a BEAUTIFUL day. It wasn't too hot, it wasn't humid, the sun was shining but there were beautiful wispy white clouds in the sky. I went to bed a little later than normal last night but I also got to sleep in an extra hour, that could've had something to do with it...but I have a lot going on in my life right now. Work, family, etc.

This isn't weight loss related at all, so sorry to unload it! Blogging is cheaper than professional therapy! Hehe. This has been bothering me for a while and I haven't told anyone about it. SO...yay for you getting stuck reading more of my bitching!

Back in June of this year I had a patient who I adored that died very unexpectedly after finding out he had cancer. I opened him to homecare really to check his blood pressure, change some dressings, and prepare him for a scheduled surgery. The doctor didn't think it was anything serious and he was doing great. Well, when they went in to do the surgery they found out he had cancer everywhere and two weeks later, he passed away. I was devestated. This was the nicest family, they were always very grateful that I was there and were so kind and wonderful. Losing him was a blow I wasn't expecting, especially not so soon. After his surgery they were talking about chemotherapy and radiation, I had every hope that there would be treatment and remission! But...he passed.

Because it was so sudden, nothing was in place. No funeral arrangements, no advanced directives, so it took the family about a month to put things in place. The funeral happened to take place in July, the same day as my mother's birthday. I was also working that weekend and it was VERY busy. I felt overwhelmed. One of my "friends" was having a Lia Sophia party and I told her privately that I would not be able to attend because of the funeral I was going to.

Skip ahead to one of the craziest weekends I've had, I had several visits in the morning. My mother is kind of a facebook junkie and so I wanted to say happy birthday to my mom on there (she was really excited to see it on there haha). What I didn't want to do was put a damper on her birthday because I had a funeral to go to. AND I also didn't want to start the inevitable facebook chain of: WHO DIED!!??!!? I also wanted to protect the privacy of my patient and his family, privacy laws extend after a person has died! SO on my status I posted a happy birthday to my mom and left out the other things. Well a little later when I got home, I checked on my page and had a nasty message from this girl (she's 29 years old...but obviously she acts like she's 12) stating: "You didn't have to lie about a funeral to get out of coming to my party". And then proceeded to trash me to all of my college friends before unfriending me, not even giving me the courtesy of a call or a text.

It's been bugging me for a long time. I am too proud to call her or text her and explain  that I was at a funeral and I'm too nice a person to trash her back. It's just been really nagging at me. Apparantly because I didn't post it on facebook...it didn't happen? One of my friends from college who came to the party last night had said that many people didn't show up to my party because of what this girl had been saying about me. So...it's been on my mind. Just makes me wonder what kind of person people think I am if they'd believe I'd lie about a funeral to get out of going to a Lia Sophia party...

I'm a very straightforward person. I'd just tell her to her face that I didn't want to go to a ridiculous party where I'm pressured into buying overpriced, cheaply made things that I'll never wear. But of course, I made the mistake of telling her the truth.

I feel better putting it out there, at least explaining my feelings. I've been feeling down for most of the day. On a brighter note, I was really good on plan...I wasn't even that hungry but I made myself sit down at eat breakfast, lunch dinner and my JC dessert, and I even had a cup of fruit salad that I had made myself yesterday which was delicious. On another bright note, tomorrow looks like another beautiful day and now that I've unloaded, I feel like it'll be a good one.

TGIF!

The Start of the Week!

Well it's Monday and that means a new week is starting...but my Jenny Craig week is almost over! I go on Wednesday to weigh in and I'm praying for a loss. I've started to really notice that I've lost weight though. My boss said she noticed that she could see in my face that I had lost weight. And my clothes are getting looser or, in the case of my capris, WAY too loose to wear. I almost lost them around my ankles when I tried to put them on!!

I find that I also have a renewed energy. Of course, that energy gets sucked up when I have to get up for work at 5 am... (not my favorite thing believe me). Yet this morning I was up before my alarm! Okay, it was only 5 minutes before...but still! I was up, I was alert...that is not something that's normal for me. I'm really hoping it will be for the new and improved me though! Before I started JC I would sleep until the last possible second, trying to get those last five minutes in. Then I was always dragging, the whole morning I would be cranky... I don't drink coffee because of severe heartburn that I get from it, so it was a lose-lose situation for everyone.

Now I find that I fall asleep and wake up much easier. I never felt depressed really, not since nursing school...but I wonder to myself if I was down on myself and didn't notice the depression. My gynecologist tried to prescribe me a low dose Lexapro but I refused. First of all, I'm a nurse...so I'm stubborn as all heck and refuse to take medication that's not ABSOLUTELY necessary.  I didn't feel like I was depressed, I was still working every day, and I wasn't having emotional breakdowns; I was just tired and cranky! Also, the medication came with a pricetag that I didn't want to pay. So I just told him no... and I'm still glad I did that. But maybe I was somewhat depressed!

Tomorrow is a realllllllllly busy day. But I have found the time to take a break and eat some lunch. I shuffled some things so it'll work out fine! I need to keep my eye on the prize and focus on getting through Tuesday so I can go weigh in Wednesday! For the first time in my life I can't wait to step on the scale!

ALSO! My little sister is going to Italy and she is going to be blogging her journey! Also I would like to point out that I came up with the blog title! Lol if you're interested in travel or in Europe, check out her blog: Mom I'm Still Alive, I also have it linked in my blogroll! YAY!