Sabotage.

Why am I doing this?

Is it because Aunt Flow is in town? Or what? I did a giant cleaning out of my closet this week and put all the old clothes that are way too big for me into a box to be cut up, thrown away and/or donated. But for some reason I am having trouble staying on plan these last few days. I feel like I'm purposely sabotaging myself! Yeah, I still track all my calories...except for yesterday which I don't even want to talk about. It was ridiculous. I'm embarassed with myself and with my choices...and there's no one here to blame by myself.

I love that I'm starting to look really good, I love my new sizes, I love that I'm recieving compliments too. But I also am afraid of what's going to come. WTF is wrong with me. That is SO stupid. I caught myself yesterday eating pizza, cookies I made with my mom, I came home and munched on junk... WHY!? Why would I do that? I wasn't even hungry!! What the hell. I'm pissed off at myself and I'm annoyed. I also have horrible cramps and feel like I might rip this uterus out at any second.

I need to stay on plan and track my calories. I need to make good choices even though it's the holidays. I have a lot of holiday parties comingup. My work party is on the 16th and there's going to be good food...but there will also be dancing. So maybe I can burn some calories off on the dance floor. Or maybe just do an exercise tape when I'm at home...I am still embarassed to go around showing off like that. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable enough in my own skin to cut loose like that.

I am telling you this because I need to be accountable for it. I need to stop sabotaging myself and stick to plan. My goal is to lose at least 1.5 pounds this week so I can get lower than my lowest recorded weigh in weight! AND  I need to say goodbye to the 270s. That means kicking my ass into gear and I know it. This is a very busy time at work, I have a lot of food temptations, and for some reason my morale is dipping. The rest of this week until weigh in on Wednesday I am sticking 100% to plan, I am drinking water, I am exercising...and I will pray before my weigh in this week!

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.